Saturday, April 13, 2013

He Expects Me To Be A Porn Star, Right Out The Gate: An Advice Question

Hello Zane,

I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read this e-mail. I am a 26 year old woman who has become involved with my ex-boyfriend again. We went out on a couple of dates and hung out a couple of times, and we really enjoyed each others company. I finally decided to have my first sexual encounter with him, as we never had sex while we were in a relationship previously; he does not know that I am not that experienced sexually. I have realized that every time that I have gotten to the point of having sex, I hold back a lot because I am paranoid on how it may end. I think that I am somewhat conditioned to believe that all men are assholes, I know this is not true, but I can't help it and I feel like it is ruining my sex life.

We finally did have sex, and unfortunately he decided to send his cousin a text message saying that I gave "horrible head" and that I kept on saying that he was big. When in reality I have not had that many sexual partners to become better, been celibate, and have never had sex with anyone as big
as him. His cousin took it upon himself to post this message to Facebook, and I automatically became infuriated! I called him right away to discuss the issue, and he basically flipped the script on me saying that I should be mad at his cousin
not him because he had no idea about what he did. He also went on to say that we could have fixed the what was "wrong".

I am not willing to accept that statement because I feel that if he cared about me as he said that he did, he would have made him delete that post and let him understand how ridiculous this was. He then ended our conversation saying that we are not going to work because sex is a big part of
being in a relationship. I understand where he is coming from, but I felt that this was really low of him, and I seriously did not expect that from him. Now I am starting to feel discouraged on dating again, men ask me on dates all the time but I just say no or lie to them saying that I have a boyfriend, because I do not want to be hurt again.

I am starting to feel that no man would want me once he finds out that I am not sexually experienced; I mean would a man want to teach a TWENTY-SIX year old woman how to do certain things in the bedroom? My friends are trying to get me to understand that he was just an asshole and that there are men out there that would be happy and willing to teach me, but I just can't believe that. This situation has messed up my appetite and my sleep cycle. My friends are also worried about me, they tell me to call them when I need to talk but I feel like I am going to burden them with my problems so I do not call. My heart is broken, but I wake up every day look in the mirror and tell myself that I deserve better. People tell me to date outside of my race, but I know that it is deeper than that. Is a loyal, educated, patient, black man too much to ask for?


MY RESPONSE: Darling, do not lose another night of sleep over that man and do not allow him to keep you from eating healthy. He is not worth it and I will tell you why. Any 26-year-old man who needs to send text messages to other males about his sexual encounters, or discuss them period, is a little boy, despite his actual age. For him to do that means that he never had any true intentions of being in a relationship with you. He has probably been laying in wait to get some sex from you since you did not have sex with him the first time around. He is not even on your level.

The good part is that you obviously have some traits that attract men if they ask you out all the time. Putting up a brick wall only means that you will never find true happiness. Do not allow him to go on, get married, have kids, and live his life to the fullest while you remain stuck in the shadows trying to believe in real love. It does exist but you cannot continue to block your blessings. While some men are all about freaky sex and want a woman to be able to put it down like a porn star, even more men can appreciate a woman who does not have rug burns on her knees, a hanging bottom lip, and an overused vagina.

A man who cares and wants to make love to you will take him time, tell you how to please him, and more importantly, he will ask how he can please you in return. Tell that rott to stay in the dog park with his friends and listen to your friends. Give other men a chance or you will remain stagnant. Giving a man a chance does not mean you have to have sex with him, fall in love with him, or any of that. Giving a man a chance means conversation, quality time and seeing if there is any chemistry. Good luck but you will be fine. And read my novel, The Hot Box. The main character, Milena, shut herself off to men for eight years because of a past hurt and realized all she was doing was hurting herself in the end.

A Sexless Relationship: An Advice Question

Hi Zane, I'm writing to you in order to get your advice on this situation. A little about myself; I'm a 32year old female in the Washington DC area. I met this older guy 15yrs my senior; we've been dating for almost one year now. The problem I have, he's not giving me sex. When we first met it was boom, bam, pow and now our sex life is dead. We spend almost everyday together he stays at my house very frequently, we go out town, go on various dates, he cooks dinner for me I mean we do almost everything together besides have sex. Throughout this almost past year we have had a lot of ups and downs on various occasion but through it all we're still dating and everything is going great now. We've actually become more closer now then before.

He say's that he thinks sex will put a dim on our friendship and we may end up back in the same situation as before. He thinks my feelings got emotionally attached to soon while having a sexual relationship in which caused our problems earlier on. I've brought the sex thing up again recently and his explanation; he values our friendship so much that he don't want to risk us going down the same road again and I should look at this as a compliment instead of a bad thing. (His words) some men wouldn't even care and just have sex with you just because. Don't get me wrong he is extremely nice, very respectable man opens my door, pulls my chair out he has all the qualities women look for in a mate. I'm thinking of putting some distance between us. I don't want to push him away but I can't seem to shake this not having sex thing. Sleeping beside him almost every night and not having sex is really hard on me. As a woman I have sexual desires, I don't think I can continue doing this.

Please help! Signed, Sexually frustrated

 MY RESPONSE: You should not have to sacrifice that much of your happiness to be with a man. You are only 32 and he is nearing 50. Just because he has no desire to have sex and wants to make you believe that sex would ruin what you have, that does not mean you have to cosign on it. Nor should you try to force him to do anything with you. It seems like the two of you should remain friends, go out, talk, etc. but you need to find a man who is willing to please you in the bed. Trust that most men want sex. He says that you get emotionally attached when you have sex but he is willing to lie in bed with you every night? Wow! Okay. It has been a year and he started out giving you great sex, then shut off the valve. He may have some recent medical issues but he needs to be willing to address them. What he is doing now is not fair to you at all. I do not recommend you continue doing it either. He is not your husband so you have no obligations to him. He sounds like a good friend but you need to find a man who is equally yolked with you. It is not worth the heartache, especially since he does not even want an emotional attachment.