A Sexless Relationship: An Advice Question

Hi Zane, I'm writing to you in order to get your advice on this situation. A little about myself; I'm a 32year old female in the Washington DC area. I met this older guy 15yrs my senior; we've been dating for almost one year now. The problem I have, he's not giving me sex. When we first met it was boom, bam, pow and now our sex life is dead. We spend almost everyday together he stays at my house very frequently, we go out town, go on various dates, he cooks dinner for me I mean we do almost everything together besides have sex. Throughout this almost past year we have had a lot of ups and downs on various occasion but through it all we're still dating and everything is going great now. We've actually become more closer now then before.

He say's that he thinks sex will put a dim on our friendship and we may end up back in the same situation as before. He thinks my feelings got emotionally attached to soon while having a sexual relationship in which caused our problems earlier on. I've brought the sex thing up again recently and his explanation; he values our friendship so much that he don't want to risk us going down the same road again and I should look at this as a compliment instead of a bad thing. (His words) some men wouldn't even care and just have sex with you just because. Don't get me wrong he is extremely nice, very respectable man opens my door, pulls my chair out he has all the qualities women look for in a mate. I'm thinking of putting some distance between us. I don't want to push him away but I can't seem to shake this not having sex thing. Sleeping beside him almost every night and not having sex is really hard on me. As a woman I have sexual desires, I don't think I can continue doing this.

Please help! Signed, Sexually frustrated

 MY RESPONSE: You should not have to sacrifice that much of your happiness to be with a man. You are only 32 and he is nearing 50. Just because he has no desire to have sex and wants to make you believe that sex would ruin what you have, that does not mean you have to cosign on it. Nor should you try to force him to do anything with you. It seems like the two of you should remain friends, go out, talk, etc. but you need to find a man who is willing to please you in the bed. Trust that most men want sex. He says that you get emotionally attached when you have sex but he is willing to lie in bed with you every night? Wow! Okay. It has been a year and he started out giving you great sex, then shut off the valve. He may have some recent medical issues but he needs to be willing to address them. What he is doing now is not fair to you at all. I do not recommend you continue doing it either. He is not your husband so you have no obligations to him. He sounds like a good friend but you need to find a man who is equally yolked with you. It is not worth the heartache, especially since he does not even want an emotional attachment.


I have found that these sort of issues in a relationship can do permanent damage if you can't both agree. Zane you are so right about possibly just being friends, because as time passes like this a friendship may not even be optional. Well wishes!